A (long overdue) response to the Tiger Mom concept - Part 1

Since it’s the Christmas season, I've been attending parties like a zombie (that is, I have been sleep deprived). I was so tired that I did not even react that much over a budding argument (by friends at one of my dinners) on whether parents should or should not spank their kids.

Apparently, in this modern day and age, some of my peers are still considering it. A friend of mine, who was more or less brought up in a conservative Chinese setting, shared the parenting style of her two older brothers – one spanks his kid while the other one, who is of the more western mindset, does not. Another friend said that her husband does not want to hit their kid, while she, if I am not mistake, is considering the merits of the idea.

Despite being unmarried and childless (and despite my lethargic mental state), I felt that I had to say something. I was, after all, a hapless victim of this archaic Tiger Mom concept. So, I, point blank, told them that “as a victim of physical (and emotional) abuse, I do not recommend it”.

This brought the husband of another friend to ask me “but you are ok now, right?” I think what he meant was that I turned out well anyway (?) or that I eventually got over it anyway (?) and therefore, whatever it was that my parents did to me was acceptable, right?

I was tired. It’s a Christmas dinner. And, I just didn’t want to turn the discussion over into this brouhaha over my sad childhood. So, I didn’t push it.

But yes, I am more or less ok now. But how long did it take me to be ok? How much drama, pain, grief, confusion, violence, tears, sleepless nights, crappy feelings, insecurities… (This list could go on and on…) did I have to go through (alone) before I turned out like this?

At best, I am a person who got over it but I, too, am a person who was and is still damaged.

But what about those other kids who could not deal? What had become of them? And, what about the others who “turned out well”, those who became very successful (like the infamous Tiger Mom) who would pass on this vicious cycle for more generations to come because they have proof of its “success”?

Tiger Mom book author with her 2 kids

Here is one Amy Chua quote, she says: “Once when I was young—maybe more than once—when I was extremely disrespectful to my mother, my father angrily called me "garbage" in our native Hokkien dialect. It worked really well. I felt terrible and deeply ashamed of what I had done. But it didn't damage my self-esteem or anything like that. I knew exactly how highly he thought of me. I didn't actually think I was worthless or feel like a piece of garbage.”

Well, I don’t know about you but if a person calls me “garbage” then wouldn't I, off the top of my head, take that as to mean just that - a person is calling me garbage. Not all kids are like Amy Chua who would derive such an illogical conclusion and suddenly think “oh, my dad doesn’t mean that. He thinks highly of me. He doesn't really think I’m garbage (even if he says so). I just need to do better. This doesn't make me feel worthless at all”

Children will believe what you say simply because they’re young, innocent, and they don’t know any better.

I ask these Tiger Moms, why not try this: Why not be straightforward? Instead of telling your child he/she is garbage, why not say: “I am very disappointed in this behavior/performance because I really believe you can do better.” Isn't this less cryptic, less violent, and less damaging to the self esteem? It delivers a clearer message in a less derogatory fashion.

Why not try that? If the sole purpose is to be a good parent, fostering guidance, leading your child to righteousness and greatness? Well, because it is not as simple as that, as it is not quite Chinese parenting without a dash of manipulation and guilt tripping, isn't it?

This souped-up Tiger Mom concept is nothing new. It’s archaic, it’s backward and it’s been around for centuries. It is what colonizers, monarchs, tribal leaders and feudal lords use to make their subjects do things. It’s not a new concept. Just ask every narcissist and dictator alive.

Enforce something, be threatening, diminish their self worth, if they fight back, extinguish it, make them listen, and punish them if they disobey. Works for dictators, works for a Tiger Mom.

In an editorial in psychologytoday.com, Kevin Arnold mentions 2 reasons why the Tiger Mom can claim success: achievement and well controlled behavior, because her strategies will likely produce both. Harsh parenting creates the motivation to seek approval through being successful and staying in line.

To put it simply, the concept is: You withhold love, approval and support as a parent so that your child will constantly seek your approval by doing all the things that you tell him/her to do.

For those who have not realized this yet, I will put it out there: This is manipulation. You are manipulating your little innocent child, showing him/her that he/she will not be loved if he/she does not become your robot.

Just think about it for a few seconds. These are little children. They are not subordinates, soldiers or minions.

Call me a person who coddles, call me a westerner, but I believe that children should be loved and they should feel this love. They should not be told that they are worth just as much as what they can do, that they are no one if they are not competitive, that if they are not show-worthy, if they are not whatever it is that society deem is successful, then they are nothing. These are not things that are ingrained in a mentally and emotionally healthy person. But these are the precise ideas that are permanently embedded in the minds of the children of these Tiger Moms.

Ironically, what proprietors of this Tiger Mom concept do not realize, with all of its importance on alleged substance, achievement and success is that: IT IS SHALLOW.

It is hollow. It is rigid. It is cold. It is mean. It is manipulative. It is narrow-minded. It is lazy. It does not foster creativity, a normal childhood, or a healthy state of emotional intelligence.

It only looks to achievement and obedience. What about the other things in life?

To an extent, I pity this Tiger Mom, that despite all of her successes, she has rationalized her childhood experience as one that was ideal.

With this, I turn the subject back to spanking. I again ask: If you can just straightforwardly tell your child that you are disappointed in their behavior and that you believe they can do better, if you can convey your message in words, do you really have to physically hit them?

I am not talking about light symbolic spanking to visually mark your dissatisfaction - the way I lightly tap my dogs or raise my index finger at them to let them know they are misbehaving.

I am talking about hitting them in a away that really hurts, literally and figuratively. I am also talking about the physical violence that comes from rage and uncontrollable anger. I am talking about the use of belts and other similar items, and about throwing things around or aiming things at the child. I am talking about pushing them to the wall and causing bruises. Acts like these cannot be called parenting.

These acts are often violent disciplinary tactics – acts to make them remember not to do things again, to threaten them to behave, or are expressions of fury and wrath – to release the anger on the child, to punish them and to make them suffer.

There really is no excuse for emotional and physical abuse. Not even when you tell yourself that you are only concerned for the child's future success and achievements.