Immortals: Not so immortal

Great digital cinematography wasted on such a flimsy storyline. I still prefer this one over Avatar though, another film that pairs impressive digital effects with a weak plotline simply because I would choose Grecian abs over a cheesy environmental alien love story any day.

While I do think Henry Cavill was hot (have thought this since his Tudor days) and Frieda Pinto the appropriate kind of alluring in this movie, this does not make up for the glaring fact that the movie was a sequence of senseless acts put together just to bridge those fighting scenes.

So many many holes and a lot of questions come to mind:

First off, what again was the intention of Mickey Rourke’s character? So, at first he wanted to get the bow. So, he raids monasteries and other holy places to find this bow or to possibly find the oracle, a.k.a. the virgin Frieda Pinto who gets premonitions that she may be able to tell him where this bow is. Why does he want this bow again? Is he just pillaging town after town to get rich, to conquer lands, or to get women? What’s the point, really?

Suddenly though, alas, the bow appears! Theseus cracks a rock formation and (tada!) it’s there. Seriously, if I blinked for a second there, I would really be wondering where the (hell) that bow came from. It’s just there lying around his hometown’s crypt, how convenient.

Then, the protagonist (Theseus) uses this bow to save his friends, shoots 4 invisible/lighting arrows from a distance and kills 4 bad dudes, impressive, but then, in the next scene, a rabid dog steals the bow. Oh-kay. Then hands it over to Mickey Rourke (King Hyperion) and then this bow never touches Theseus’ hands again. His buddy Stephen Dorff (friend peasant) does get to touch it afterwards (once King Hyperion drops it), he attempts to shoot arrows at those black figures (which I assume are the titans) and he doesn’t even hit any of them, instead he drops it after the first bow, and was devoured instantly (by said figures). What a lame weapon!

Speaking of the Titans, why does Mickey Rourke want to release them, again? I assume, they are not the type to just give thanks and pay allegiance to whomever it was that sets them free. If King Hyperion conquers the world, let’s say, these titans would still wreck havoc, right?

And, what is up with these Immortals showing up like the Justice League (in formation and in costume)?

And more importantly, are they not suppose to be immortals? Why did they die? Is that not the opposite of immortality – i.e. the title of the whole movie?!

Those gods don’t deserve their solo spot in the promo posters. They appear in a few scenes and just drop dead after all that hype.



And, why did Zeus take just Athena’s body up to the heavens when he left? What about his other children?

And, this Zeus character here, not very clever or god-like at all. If he could just pull those gold strings and make the mountain crash (effectively burying the black figures), why didn’t he just do that in the first place, instead of letting his children do all that manual hand to hand combat, which you would think they would do successfully (as they are suppose to be gods) but they didn’t, and they just died.

I know the film is looking to segue to a sequel, as these days it seems that just happens, but I don’t particularly get why the dead Theseus becomes immortal.

Also, I know I wasn’t listening too intently when we took up Greek mythology in high school but somehow I don’t remember things happening like they did in this movie. I am all for historical fiction (The other Boleyn Girl – the book, not the movie) or creatively using some historical facts (The Da Vinci code – the book, again) but I am definitely against loosely using characters (historical, mythical, biblical, book/comic characters, or otherwise) and creating a totally different persona or narrative for them. Do they really have to use the same name, put them in a similar setting, but make such extreme story adjustments?! It’s not ingenious or (even) cute, it’s just confusing.

So, I looked it up, browsed the internet as I was mildly bothered (and honestly befuddled) and figured, maybe, there was some Greek Mythology basis for some of the things that happened in the movie. But no, the film was really inaccurate (if we can use this term, as I don’t think they were even the least bit concerned about this, the way they turned everything upside down).

So, apparently, Phaedra wasn’t really even an oracle. She was a daughter of a king and she actually got married to Theseus (so it wasn’t just a vision-cancelling one night stand). Theseus wasn’t actually a bastard, his mother wasn’t raped (and she wasn’t a peasant either), and apparently she slept with her husband and Poseidon as well, to produce her son, Theseus. So, Theseus is suppose to be Poseidon’s son. Hyperion is the name of a Titan, not a king. I found no King Hyperion of Crete anywhere on the Greek mythology. And, these are just some of the totally off center things that I’ve discovered as I was browsing. Seriously, why make this kind of weird faux adaptation?

Lastly, just wanted to comment: what’s up with all the glitter and sequins?!

I've noticed a lot of glittered and sequins costume and prop items in the film. The bow had sparkly black glitter/sequence on it. There were random characters with sequenced head gears. I would have posted more pictures, only I couldn't find much pictures of the extras.

I like sparkles as the next girly girl (with an inner diva) but I just find it disturbingly odd. Come on, just look at this supposedly barbaric king, wearing this sparkly gold mask!?! It shines. It glitters. I don't know if he's meant to look scary (with his shark hat) or somewhat like a show gay.

This movie: Great form, laughable substance.