Over the weekend I met a friend of a friend and we ended up discussing some issues about our family life over cocktails, ignited by a discussion of two different family business class electives that we took while doing our respective MBAs.
I’ve only met him once before and I barely know him and yet something about his take on his family business class clued me in. I’ve actually lived and breathed all these issues my entire life so it doesn’t really take much to clue me in that someone is suffering from some issue that stemmed from some bad form of Chinese parenting.
I discussed theoretical concepts in dealing with family business difficulties. I said that in most family business case examples, the issue are about who would become the successor. I said that it was often about the money or the power, about who gets more control over the company when the current patriarch or family head retires or dies.
But he disagreed with me, he said that the issue or the underlying issue, more often, was about the gaining the father’s approval.
And, here I find traces of a tiger dad looming in the background.
Our subsequent discussion further proves my theory. He didn't tell me everything about his family. But from what I’ve gathered from our discussion, based on how he looked at things, how he argued with my ideas and the things that he said that couldn't work for his family business, I could tell where was coming from, where he is right now, and to an extent what type of parenting was used on him.
He is a graduate of a pretty good international MBA program, he studied in Singapore and in Europe, and is about to get a pretty cushy job in Singapore. And, yet he is still seeking his father’s approval and he still doesn’t seem to have it.
He subsequently admitted that his parent’s emotional blackmails often worked on him despite knowing that it is just that – emotional blackmail. He also said that he disagrees with his father’s point of views, in career and business, but despite all this, he still seems affected.
It is akin to being a donkey following that carrot on a stick. That is, the carrot here is the parent’s approval. You work your way to get it but you are never going to really get it, or fully get it. You may get it for awhile and then it’s taken away. It seems you are only as good as your last achievement, only as good as what you have done so far, only as good as what you can do or how much you earn or how good you look to others, only as good as how much you follow their wishes. Other than those things, you are not particularly worth anything or at least, they will not make you feel that you are worth something. Whatever it is, it is never enough. This is how most children of tiger parent feels.
I repeat this often: I hate this archaic close minded Chinese way of parenting. It is not novel or brilliant. It’s not something that should be perpetuated or applauded. It is what it is: It is close minded and archaic and is practice by stuck up people who refuse to evolve and who don’t know any better yet continue to act like they're such superior people.
It’s embarrassing. But it’s no surprise that the roots of this tiger mom woman can be traced to the Philippines. Her parents are from Binondo, incidentally this new friend of mine is also from Binondo. Well, well, no wonder her parenting concepts are so familiar.
I have met so many people and I personally know some people who have been raised in this manner, in this tiger mom type of fashion. Some of them don’t even think there’s anything wrong with it. Some of them even think it’s great as they walk about feeling superior over others, basking in their own achievements.
But I see how it truly affects them. More often, these people are not happy people. More often, they have low self esteem and more often they lash out on others when they can’t cope with their own insecurities.
This type of tiger parent teaches their child that their worth lies in what they can do, what they can achieve, what they can earn or in some other inane marker, such being able to marry some rich guy.
And, here lies the problem. If you only base your worth on these things, then you probably don’t have a strong sense of self. What if you suddenly can’t achieve anymore or you lose your high paying job? Or this rich guy cheats on you and you find yourself separated and penniless? If you have nothing else to base you self esteem on, then chances are your self esteem gets shattered so easily. It’s no mystery why these people have such low self esteem.
More often, these people are competitive, always putting other people down, always concerning themselves on how they measure up to others and always convincing themselves that they are better than other people all the time.
It is a shallow way to think and live. There is more to life than all these things that the tiger moms of the world value.
I feel sad whenever I see people who are grappling with these issues. Always feeling inadequate, torn between wanting to please their parents and gaining their approval while thinking about what they really want to do with their lives.
If they follow their parents’ wishes, they may never truly be happy and if they follow their own dreams, then they may never get that illusive parental approval that’s been haunting them since they were little children.
I often feel sad and mildly angry when I meet people who lash out on you because you’ve somehow ruffled their very sensitive feathers. It is this type of parenting too that produces these very insecure people. If you do slightly better than them, they can’t even be happy for you because their initial instinct is to think about how inadequate you suddenly make them feel.
These “shallow values” that were ingrained in the upbringing of the sons and daughter of these tiger parents are so hard to shake off, especially when you are still continuously exposed to them.
Personally, I would rather be genuinely happy and satisfied with my life and comfortable in my own skin than received the skin deep approving nods of relatives and the rest of the tiger society.
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