Since the French parenting book came out and there’s a renewed discussion on the tiger mom has broke out again. I've always wanted to give my 2 cents worth on the three points that was mentioned in most articles on her parenting.
So, here it is:
“First, I've noticed that Western parents are extremely anxious about their children's self-esteem. They worry about how their children will feel if they fail at something, and they constantly try to reassure their children about how good they are notwithstanding a mediocre performance on a test or at a recital. In other words, Western parents are concerned about their children's psyches. Chinese parents aren't. They assume strength, not fragility, and as a result they behave very differently.”
It is never about self-esteem because the concept, more often, has never been introduced to them. It is foreign to them. They don’t know what it is. They don’t get it and wouldn't even understand why they don’t have it. (That is, we are talking about the older baby boomer parents here, back when the world wasn't as globalized.)
Tiger parents do not assume strength over fragility. The just believe in blind obedience and the unquestionable authority that parents have over their children. It is more about I am the parent, this is what I want you to do, do it or else.
My mother herself has often used the word “weak” to manipulate me to do things. It is about emotional manipulation, the introduction of guilt, and negative reinforcement. It is hardly about the assumption of strength.
“Second, Chinese parents believe that their kids owe them everything. The reason for this is a little unclear, but it's probably a combination of Confucian filial piety and the fact that the parents have sacrificed and done so much for their children. (And it's true that Chinese mothers get in the trenches, putting in long grueling hours personally tutoring, training, interrogating and spying on their kids.) Anyway, the understanding is that Chinese children must spend their lives repaying their parents by obeying them and making them proud.”
Let me answer this for you, Tiger mom. More than filial piety, it is about a sense of bitterness with a dash of guilt tripping. Seriously, it is.
It is true that tiger parents put in a lot, as immigrants born in the era of baby boomers, where working hard is everything, these people have worked their ass off.
To an extent, they are bitter about their children’s comparatively easy life. How come they had to work so hard and how come these kids don’t have to work as hard?
To an extent, they believed that they have paid their dues and it’s time for you, the child, to pay yours. They believe that they worked hard at planting the seeds, raising the child and paying for the child’s life, and they should get the fruits of their labor, that is the child must become whatever type of person that they believe will make them proud – even if this is not the kind of life the child personally envisioned for himself/herself.
Thus, begin the lifetime of guilt tripping.
In this manner, without even asking for it, the kid has become indebted to these people who’s suppose to genuinely love him/her and allow him/her to own his/her life, before he/she was even born.
“Third, Chinese parents believe that they know what is best for their children and therefore override all of their children's own desires and preferences. That's why Chinese daughters can't have boyfriends in high school and why Chinese kids can't go to sleepaway camp. It's also why no Chinese kid would ever dare say to their mother, "I got a part in the school play! I'm Villager Number Six. I'll have to stay after school for rehearsal every day from 3:00 to 7:00, and I'll also need a ride on weekends." God help any Chinese kid who tried that one.
Don't get me wrong: It's not that Chinese parents don't care about their children. Just the opposite. They would give up anything for their children. It's just an entirely different parenting model.”
Ah, er, I don’t even think it should even be called a “parenting model”.
Yes, it’s true, these tiger parents believe that they know what’s best for their children and they override all their children’s own desire and preferences.
And here lies the problem. What if they are wrong? What if what they believe is the best for the child isn't really the best after all? These parents will remain close minded because, let’s face it, that’s just the way they are, and the child will never get what’s best for him/her.
It’s not about a different parenting model. These tiger parents just don’t value the arts because in their culture its monetary achievements that matter most and arts rarely translate to money so it is frown upon, seen as unimportant and a waste of time. Add to that tiger parents, more often, won’t even understand most of the world’s renowned art pieces, books or plays. They won’t get why any of these artsy things are so great and they simply are just, well, provincial, that way.
Again, I say, this tiger mom concept is not something to be applauded. It’s just so sad that this woman was allowed to perpetuate her unfortunate brand of parenting all over the world this way.
And, might I add that it is laughable how a recent article now cites tiger mom as suddenly claiming that her book is a satire. She was so dead serious about her book and stood by it for a long time after it was widely criticized. Now she changes her stand?
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